If We Were Having Coffee II [Joshua’s Japes]

If we were having coffee, it’d take place on the moon. I know that sounds a bit silly, a bit of a dumb-dumb thing to say, but why do you think Neil and Buzzy went all the way to the Earth’s grey satellite? For a mocha and a Danish pastry, of course.

The moon cafe is highly regarded, especially since it’s staffed by aliens. Perhaps that’s because of their good English skills, and heck, from what I’ve heard, they’re more eloquent than most Britons. And I think it’s disgusting that so many passionate Englishmen (otherwise known as EDL supporters) can’t even be bothered to learn the country’s language. It’s as if their vocabulary is constructed using the Scrabble tiles you randomly draw from the bag, punctuated with phlegmy spit.

Anyway, the aliens are very hospitable. They’ll wash your spacesuit after a couple of days locked inside an intergalactic Pringles pipe, and they’ve even got WiFi in the cafe, although they do insist that you buy something before using it. Apparently it’s so lovely there that some astronauts never leave, probably because of the extraterrestrial lap dances – just imagine seeing three jiggling tits on a single body, even if they are bright green. Then again, the story goes that Jim Lovell and his crew decided not to pop in because it was shut. I guess it must’ve been a bank holiday.

What do the aliens look like? Well, as I’ve said they have bright green breasts, but that’s going on what NASA’s finest have told me. I mean I haven’t personally caught a glimpse of one yet, even though I stand on quite a tall hill every night, looking up at the moon. But I have managed to read the cafe’s menu, which is as follows:

Moon Mocha         3 Twists of a Nipple

Black Coffee          1 Go in your Spaceship

Tea                            £800

Danish pastry        5 Socks

Not the most extensive selection, but what did you expect? It takes a lot of time and money to get supplies up to the cafe.

And there we are, that just about covers everything. If we were having coffee, that’s where we’d go, whether you like it or not. So it’d probably be wise to book yourself onto the next flight to the moon, and I’ll meet you there. Shall we say 1pm this Saturday? Great.

In a bit,



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