If we were having coffee – or more like when we are next having coffee – I’ll tell you to pull your socks up, right up past your knees, your sausage or kebab, your nipples, and up to your eyes – but just below your eyes, mind you, it’s vital that you can still see. And it’s vital because I’ll need you to get your act together and buy me the biggest cake in the cafe. Hopefully they’ll sell doughnuts and you’ll buy me a ringed one so large I can use it as a hula hoop, icing essential, sprinkles optional. Next, you’ll buy me a drink. I don’t want a coffee, I want a milkshake. Thick. If they don’t do them, I’ll take tea – milk, no sugar – or a green tea or a fruit juice or a smoothie. And if they’re not available, I’ll settle on coffee. Like I said, I don’t want one but I’ll have it as a last resort, especially if it’s either a latte or dehydration and death. Finally, I’ll eat and drink while you look through my website. You’ll tell me it’s all right, I’ll ask you to reconsider your response, you’ll say it’s great, I’ll tell you not to be a kiss-ass, you’ll say it’s good, I’ll say that’s better but be more creative, you’ll tell me you don’t know what to say, I’ll ask you to just say something, you’ll say grapes, I’ll say don’t be a smart-arse, you’ll tell me you’re leaving, I’ll say no you’re not, you’re paying, you’ll storm out in tears, I’ll follow, we get away with a free coffee and cake. Everyone’s happy, apart from the cafe’s owner.
Same time next week?